Sorry for the long blog silence, I'm very bad at multitasking and my entire life has been taken up by my art. It's making me feel extremely guilty but also like I am finally on fire.  So I suppose this is a sorry, not sorry.

My whole life has revolved around minimising myself. Becoming invisible. And for the most part, i managed. I struggled with my weight so the impact of that was just to make me want to take up even less space. I didn't allow myself to extend past this tiny little box I had erected for myself. My comfortable cage.

My life mantras were:

• Never get into trouble - trouble means people notice you, people are mad at you and it has a knock on effect. It would mean that I have disappointed people. I wasn't even aiming for approval (the opposite of disappointment) - just not having a negative impact was enough.
• Cost less - don't ask for stuff. Don't get into situations where someone has to pay for things I've broken etc. Don't expect gifts etc. Don't do extra lessons, studies, hobbies that were expensive. When I studied, I spent years feeling shame about how much I was costing my parents. I even felt guilty about my school fees, despite the fact that I had no say over any of that. No fancy clothes, no fancy phones, nothing unnecessary.
• Don't take up other people's space - I never aimed to be top of anything. I never took part in drama productions (after the age of 13 when I started having the choice to say no). Don't be the star. Be the solid best friend. Supporting role. Support system. Caretaker. The person you can call at 11:00 to take you to the doctor at 14:00. Reliable. I was never anything but reliable. If you asked me to do something, I would do that plus more and be on time for everything, if not early. Never ever take up more space in a relationship than I am allowed.
• Don't get angry - anger draws attention. You just learn how to bottle everything deep down and move on. You don't confront anyone. That would make them unhappy. Be the bigger person, just take the shit and never question it.
• Don't have expectations - this one is the trickiest because as my therapist informs me, not having any expectations is an expectation in itself. It's also not true. In my attempt to not expect anything from anyone I accidentally developed expectations I didn't even know were there. The expectation that other people would do the same for me if I ever needed it.

The 26th of March 2018 marked two years of keto and the two best years of my life. It hasn't all been sunshine and bacon, this wasn't an easy journey. But it was definitely the best decision I ever made. I'm not a magical willpower unicorn, it was a decision that I had to (and still have to) make each morning, each time I went out, each time someone offered me sugary goodness. You do stop thinking about it as "a diet" and it just becomes how you live/eat. People become more accepting, for the most part, and while it is still inconvenient at social gatherings, it just becomes a habit. The last two years have taught me so much about myself, my body, my life and what I want. 

I have successfully lost 32kgs and I have been maintaining that loss for the last 6 months. Have a look here if you are interested in trying keto. 

Banana bread is one of those things that I wasn't sure I would ever have again. I was never much of a fruit eater before keto, but I LOVED banana bread. Waide's been introducing more fruit into his diet and since we had bananas in the house, I decided to try make some. I wasn't expecting much but this was one of the best "first try" recipes that I've ever done. I love keto baking!

I've been playing with the combination of jello (jelly for those of us speaking english on the bottom half of the planet) and cream cheese quite a lot lately, it makes a really spectacular fridge cheesecake. The best part of this is, it is so versatile: you can use any flavour combinations you want, you can leave out the base, you can combine it with plain jello - creating a layered cheesecake effect in a glass. There are so many ways to use this basic recipe.

I'm a big fan of ginger and lime, as if you guys haven't noticed, but I've also done a chocolate orange version of this cake with a few easy tweaks. Strawberry and chocolate, pineapple cheesecake with orange jello, raspberry and cherry cheesecake, blackcurrant and chocolate with whipped cream, are just some examples of where you can take this.

The calories in this are a little heavy because of the combination of cream cheese and heavy cream, if you want to lower them - leave out the heavy cream.  The bulk of the carbs in this recipe are in the chocolate base, so if you are looking for a lower carb sweet treat - simply leave out the base.